Am I a leader or someone who can’t hold her shit together?

Today, I give thanks to my source because there is a lot of beauty here on Earth. 

I welcome the light and the color green.

I live in a subsection of L.A. called Emerald Isle City. Sounds like a city out of a fantasy novel doesn’t it? 

I was traumatized relentlessly in the city of Emerald Isle. I sometimes wonder if I accumulated so much trauma in my first eighteen years on this planet that the rest of my lifetime won’t be enough to release it. 

And I work at releasing it.

But last night I wanted to end it all… truly… but I would never do that because a) I know I’m not supposed to and b) I’m going to die someday anyway so why go through all that extra effort?

The way time works for me, it doesn’t matter if it’s now or later and I actually relish the pain of this existence… which is truly hell sometimes.

There is a lot of grief going around these days if you haven’t noticed

We are conditioned to ignore grief

to relegate it to a useless emotion that must be gotten rid of

to sweep dark feelings under a rug and feel so ashamed of them that you would never want anyone to see

I personally have never wanted to negatively affect another person with the darkness I carry so I have hidden my truth, kept silent for years about subjects such as tyranny, torture and abuse

But that does not serve either

It only looks on the surface like it serves

This dishonest pretending that we are all taught so well how to do

We don’t know how to honor grief

to see the deeper purpose of pain

It is evident to me that pain serves evolution

the deeper the pain that can be felt the greater capacity for growth

but I still don’t have access to trusting these lows when they come

the waves of grief feel like a betrayal from God

I know that I have immense capacity for growth

However, I don’t know what that evolution will look like

Am I a leader or someone who can’t hold her shit together?

Right now, I am both or neither, or I fluctuate between the two ends with no clear identity

but I know the fear is potent when it is both listened to and not bought into

It is fully allowed to be here and nothing is “wrong”

If someone judges me, pities me or feels uncomfortable around my pain then that is on them

Everything is falling apart, makes little sense, and nothing is “wrong”

and nothing is a cause for celebration either… but…

I celebrate my existence now in the middle of this pandemonium and intense grief

and I am longing for some future in which we may celebrate together in a world with more peace

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