Dark inspiration

I’ve had a predilection for darkness for a long time

Can’t help it

I’ve also had a predilection for God and enlightenment for as long as I can remember… or at least from roughly the age of eleven, twelve or thirteen

I decided I wanted to maybe be a therapist at the fair young age of 22

Before I really knew anything about life

I was drawn to it because I wanted to study and understand the mind (more than I wanted to help people)

But I did think of helping people as a growth opportunity

Someplace I felt I needed to grow into

I liked learning about mental disorders and the mentally ill… I guess it made me feel less alone

I guess it let me feel like I was understanding something about reality

But as a therapist I felt caught between the part of me that genuinely wanted to help people and the part that didn’t know how because I was seeing them as someone with bipolar disorder or heroin addiction or childhood sexual abuse

I knew I couldn’t help

Because I myself was addicted to darkness

I was consumed by my own mental issues

I probably did help people because I did what I was supposed to… showed up in all the ways a therapist should

But I also was destroying myself in the process and hiding my true self from everybody and especially my clients

If I was honest I would have said I can’t hold you but I’m going to pretend to be able to

I don’t know how to hold myself

I barely know how to survive this existence myself

I don’t know how to trust anyone

I don’t know how to trust myself

What would it even mean to trust myself?

I was not taught

In fact I was taught to question everything about my experience (that’s gaslighting)

The fights that were so incredibly scary were brushed over and I was taught both that it was normal and that I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone outside of the family

I would be a very bad person if I told anybody

Most of this existence shrouded in complete shame and secrecy

and terror

I’m even afraid as I write this that I might get kicked off this platform for speaking my truth

for processing my shit

I’ve gotten in trouble for both in the past

so it is always a risk

but what this life is about for me is taking all the risks… that my ancestors could not

risking how I am seen

my reputation

not that I really have one anyway

but what it’s all for for me is doing away with silence, secrecy and fakeness that does not serve anybody but keeps the victims victims

so ya got a problem with me?

let’s talk about it

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  1. Chanelle!

    So beautiful. Truly, what an incredible post. It sent chills down my spine as I read a section.

    I resonate very deeply with this. This is what I was going through when I was in Brooklyn College studying Psychology. I was basically refusing to take conventional therapy to address the terrible sense of angst and dissatisfaction in my life, the core of why I was unable to move into what my single-mom-parent and ‘community’ — shifting — expected of me. What my grandparents expected of me. What my dad expected of me, whatever that was — and to shift into what it was that EYE expected of me.

    In any case, I thought that I cared about people. In any case that was my truth. Feeling the lowest, most victimized in society. The black sheep of the family. Being part of the black-sheep-family. Since the beginning where my memories begin having shifted amongst different communities. Having been targeted for sexual molestation by older males multiple times throughout my childhood. I had identification with those who saw themselves as victimized. I used to talk to folks who had fallen through the cracks and were begging for money and food in my community. In a way, feeling pity for them was a way of having a power-trip over them. Although I was victimized, I wanted to be empowered so that I could take revenge over those who had set things up in this way so that all the hypocracy I was witnessing would have viability.

    Anyway, so studying psychology in college, I thought was a clever subversive way of figuring out if this field actually had anything for me potentially — kinda suspecting that it didn’t anyway. I did not choose to get into the mental health field afterwards, the conviction that I had the actual compassion and ability to heal, the drive and desire about right-living, and ability to direct was painfully not present.

    So I had to just simply continue.

    I really loved your point about questioning everything about your existence being in essense gas-lighting. Actually living in a gas-lighting society. It’s not just women who are victimized by this in relationships etc. It’s somehow embeded in the societal mind. Brilliant point, and I figure this thought will help me to uncover more regarding the essential core mistake that civilization has made that has led us into a reality with so many structural issues.

    Thank you sooooo much for taking the risks of speaking out loud. You offer me such a beautiful example. Now it is time for me to do this is as well. I can not simply sit back and learn the insights that come to me as others choose to be the mouthpieces of the truth that is screaming to be heard. Although hearing and acting on these things is also a part of the divinity of the process, it also works to bring me ever closer to the precipice where I will also take the dive.

    and talk about it…

    🙂